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                    <text>HOW TO
PLAY LOVE

'.*:-

Miss Helen Nwamma
A Wonderful Lady.

��AY 'LOVE
STEPHEN'S DRAMA SERIES
COMPILED BY

FELIX hr.
STEPHEN
(NOVELIST AND DRAMATIST)

Copyright strictly Reserved.

2$ N.

O . N j o k u.

Send your Orders to:-

Njoku cE. Setas B ~ ~ b h o p
C/o No. 17 Nnewi Street,
ONITSHA - NIGERIA.

�%% %%X%X%
Printed by
Chinjelu Printing Press,
No. 1 Iweka Road,
Onitrha - Nigeria.

%

:
g
%
'*c'

�PREFACE
This is a book which deals mainly on the requirements of love and particularly, the type existing
between men and women. It is indeed a very interesting piece of drama, desgnied to suit both the
young and the aged.

Like my other drama books, I am confident,
that readers will be interested, since [he price a t
which it is sold, is cheaper. than what the
book really contains.

The play is entirely imaginary and thus, all
the characters are purely fictitious and relate to 03
1
existing persons.

FELIX N. STEPHEN.

he ~ u t h o r .

�HOW

TO

PLAY

LOVE

CONTENTS
Act Reply from comfort to uba

Uba writes to another girl
Act one ( Scene 2 ) housand and wife
Act ' ' ( Scene 3 ) Abel and his lover
( Enter Onyeuku )

Act one ( Scene 4 )
( Enter Nneka, Onyeuku's wife

Act one ( Scene 5 )
Act two ( Scene One
Act two (Scene

2

Act three ' ' ' '

One

Act

‘“‘

"'c

two

' ' three 'Scene
four C ' L S

3

Act four Scene

4

' 6 6

1

Page.

�HOW

TO

PLAY

LOVE

UBA J ( 3 ) SEARCH O F L O V E
N
UBA: I must learn how to chast. I like beautiful
ladies. 1 must play love and will, not care
what people may say. I saw a beautiful girl
yesterday, who is a lady teacher. I must 'not
waste time in writing to her, now I "begin"
Government School,
Jos Nigeria,
4 1 -62.
Dear Heavenly Comfort,
Indeed it is with deep pleasure that I write you
this letter which 1 think will come to you as a surprise. *Butyou must excuse my forwardness.

-

-

Definitely, you d o not know me and I seem to
grasp, how you will feel to read a letter of a person
whom you have not known before. Infact, "Love"
has forced me to give you my warm admiration.

1 am a student a t above address, studying f o r
my Cambridge. My name is Uba and I am popularly known as "Social boy" Infact, my position
will suit you.

i met you yesterday during my school hour.
but could not say anything as I was tongue tied,
hence this cote. I shall not waste my time to
'request you this. Please will you be my lover? Hence
you have known that "Love is a powerful magnet
that drows two souls tc?gether2'. N o need of rejecting me.
Infact, I would dedicate my whole life to you
.should " Yes " be returned and 1 assure you that
I shall be yours for ever and ever.

�HOW

TO

PLAY

LOVE

Kisses frow,
b b a the social boy.

A REPLY FROM COMFORT TO UBA.
Comfort Nwaeke,
C. M. S. School,
Awara Town,
15- 2 - 62.
Dear Uba,
Infact, your missive surprised me indeed.
Please, do not address me again either in public or
by any other means. You are mistaken if you
consider me t o tolerate such nonsense, I would
have handed that letter to my parents but due to
what it will bring upcn your career I stopped. But
if you address me in any way again, I shall not
hesitate to lay the whole matter to my parents.

1 am,
C. Nwaeke tough girl.

UBA WRITES T O ANOTHER GIRL.
Uba the social Boy,
Government School,
Jos- Nigeria,
26 2 62.

- -

Dear Pauly,
1 do not know how to begin this letter as I
have only met you last night. The thought of
f r i e n d s h i p makes me feel quite uneasy, infact,
wants to crazy me.

�HOW

TO

.PLAY

LOVE

Oh! Pauly! iVil1 you drow me nearner and let
me touch your smooth body and glance s t your
hairy hands?
In fact, a lock at your brown eyes and your
pointed nose will remove all thc devils of my
foolishness and make me to be the happiest man ever
lived. Do not allow me to run mad because of you.
Pleare, what I want from you is your sincere
!ove, kindly love me as I love you. Hence, you have
known that "Love is a WARM AFFECTION".
Kindly take the enclosed photograph and glance at
me and see whether I am not handsome.

I am wa,iting to hear "YES" from you, my dear
Yours Beloved.
Uba the social boy.
This time Paulinah did not respond. Uba waited
and waited and could not get any reply.
Uba: I will tiever write to any girl for friendship
again hence, this Paulinah did not reply. It will
be better for me to speak to any girl orally o r
personally rather than wasting my time in writing. I d o not know what prouds these our
modern ladies, is it because they are beautiful
or have I a bad luck for getting them. Infact.
1 d o not know what to do just to get a lover.
Shall I consult a native dsctor about it? O! No,
I shall never d o it, for my mates did not consult a doctor before they got theirs. Yes. I must.
speak to this girl coming in front of me now.
I have met her some where before. Her name
is Helen. I hope to win her lev-., wrely I must.

�HOW

TO

PLAY

LOVE

Excuse me Helen.
Helen: Yes my Lord, what can I d o for you ?
Aba: Listen to you Helen, I must be sincere. Your
beauty is one of the charming that I had tver
come across. lt docs not in any way occur
to me that I should get alone in life, without
looking once or two times at your face,
everyday. In age, we seem to be mates and in
other spheres, I d o not think myself very much
below the average, when speaking particularly,
in the terms of achievement in the circle of
mates, Love is something which is inevitable.
It is indeed like death. Some people take it
as a type of game. But I regard.it as someihing
very helpful i n the day to day life of minkind.
I t solves certain problems which money may
not even be able to solve at times. True love
will always speak for itself since it has such
a very wonderful magnetic influence that can
even draw a lion, as ferocious as it is, out of
its own den. For me to talk very much a t
length just now, might give you wrong opinion
of my person from the oneset. Thus, 1 have
perfectly determined. to control myself while
speaking..In short, 1 would like to have your
love.
Helen: Can that be the. reason for this long
sermon of yours?
Uba: y e s my dear, for I quite realise that it
takes women some time ro be convinced to
agree to a request.
It might even be to their own desire. But,
they will still dailly-dally over it.

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Helen: Yes, it is because, in those days we had not
known and so. took men serious in all that they
spoke t o us. But now, just as the day breaks
and another date comes, we are gradually
coming to the realisation of the facts and
figures. The days of flattery, seem to be going
away. especially in my own case and as far
as my affairs with men are concerned. You
said that I am'biautiful. Naturally, ahy woman
with such makeups as I have now, will surely look
attractive. I mbst besincere to you, for I d o not
like to say many things and mean only a few of
them. It is not an easy thing, to secure my love.
There are certain terms that I go by. If you
are really serious, then, I can tell them t o you.
Well, if after hearing and you wish to get along
with me, then you may have to d o so. But where
otherwise, J shall be fully prepared to take my
own way, without any atom of regret.
Uba: I have actuaily heard you say that you are
tough and I presume i t is so. In any case, one
thing that surprises me the more, is that many
tough people d o not easily reveal themselves as
such. Whatever be the case, I would not mind
informing you tbat 1 am. equallj tough. I have
my own principles, set down ones too. From
them, I do not hope to go back please say on,
for I shall be very much prepared to hear. As
strong as the laws of nature are, yet, they are
kept. I am sure too, to meet up, with your own
requirements.
Helen Indeed, you are right. The first is that, you
should have. no other friend, male o r female.

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LOVE

Uba: If it is only a question of not getting another
female friend, I shall be able to d o so. But, that
of dissociating myself from my fellow men, is
something that might need a second thought.
Helen: I t then, means, that you are not prepared,
for the business. Is that correct?
Uba: It is not so! I am fully prepared.
Helen: Why then not agree to my first proposition?
Uba: Male friends are very useful. Something about
love-making, cannot be solely relied upon since
it is plausible. Well, 1 shall be prepared to d o
so since it 1s your wish and 1 have a strocg desire to make love with you.
Helen: That is very good of you. 1 d o not like any
person making love with me, to have ma!e
friends. For, they might deceive him and thus,
our love gets shattered. But remember very well,
that you are uot the first person to contact me,
over this. However, since you have been able to
go through the first step there is every likelihood
of your succeeding in the affair. It is this. that
has knocked out many people who came up to
ask for my love.

I
Uba: If it be thy will that 1 shall succeed, then, '
shall have t o be one of the happiest men.
Helen: Thesecond, is that I will not like to have
anything from you, in the form of presents
either in cast or in kind,
Uba: Well done my beautiful lady. This is where
you differ very much from other women.

�HOW

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Helen: N o t only that, I shall be prepared, to
defray some part of your expenses.
Uba: Thank you very moch. It appears as if God
pushed me on, to you.
Helen: Just hold on a bit! I shall buy all clothes
that you may need
Uba: May ,God bless you more and more. I had
not even thought that I would in life, meet with
such a fortune. That next prevents me from
dismissing my male friends and then, havicg
you right away? Afterwards they are not doing
anything for me. They are only o.ut to exhaust
my pocket.
Helen: My father left an estate for me, when he
died and it is from there, that I will be giving
you some money for busicess. At least, fifty
pounds per month.
Ubs: O! Goodbye to poverty! Welcome to a
tremendous fortune I
Who else will have to compare himself in wealth, to me? I shall at once purchase a car and
both of us will be driving through the streets
of this town. Truly, I shall be known as a big
man. Infxt, I do not know what ro say that I
shall do for you, when that is executed. N o
more! No more! Let our love making begin
at once. .What next delays us ?
Helen: I shall everi surrender my father's upstair
building and both of us live there i n full comfort
and entirely free o f charge.
bba: If all sounds like a dream. Wheo I begin
to consider what it will all have to look like.
I become very much filled up with joy,
May heaven bless you again!
Are your parents now old?
- -

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LOVE

Uba: My mother is fourty this year while my father
is sixty ,five.
Helen: Have you got some brothers and sisters?
Uba: Yes my dear. Two sisters and one brother.
At any rate. all of them are still schooling.
Helen: Well, the third step is this;
Uba: Lest I forget. My wife is also with me, but
she has not yet given birth to any child.
Helen: That is very good. The next and final step,
is that since I drink nothing else than blood,
you should be going out dally to bring people
for me. Your father whom J am to take as a
slave, will be busily engaged, cutting off their
heads and filling cups with blood, For me to
drink. In addition, he will be carrying me
on .his back, from the parlout, to the bath
room and when to finish taking my bath, he
brings me back. Your mother's head will be
cut off by your father. Your wife's head will
also be treated like that. Both of these, will be
kept in the bathroom. While taking my bath
I shall stand my right foot on the skull of your
mother and the left, on the skull of your wife.
I n order to get an efficient service from your
father, he will be casterated. You must disown
your brother and slsters.
Uba.: This is yet one of the most wonderful state
of life, 1 have ever come across As a matter
of fact, I need a lover and I am desirous of
having one earliest. I had fixed it within my
mind, that I would have no any other lady
but you. All the same, I cannot tell you lies.
I love my n1o:her very much.

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LOVE

Blood is very thick. I am sufe ~ h a tif you
pinch yourself, you might go to experience the
pain and then agree that it would not be all
that proper, to pinch another person. For me
therefore to kill her and give you her head as a
type of stool while taking jour bath, is a thing
which I d o not deem very possible. My
father is quite precious to me.
Helen: Please remember that we shall only be for
and nothing like marriage, will
love mskir~g
have lo come in.
Uba: There you are my only beloved lady. It then
means that 1 might not have more shares. My
profit might only have to be some type of sweat.
It is true that there may be children or not, But
none of them will have to take me as 3 legitimate father. On the whole, I shall have t o be
at a loss. My brother is somebody who is very
dear t o me and it is sure that he will have to relieve me when my days or this earth, might have
finished. Coming to n y sisters whom you say
that I should disown, I wish to let you know that
this cannot be all that possible. Truly. money
is a very essential thing, but it cannot force me
t o do away with what might be against the
actual commandments of God. I shall be
laughed a t by men. God will not like it. Again,
I cannot because of the purposes of making
love, go to be a murderer or encourage anything relating directly or indirectly, t o the kill.
of people. My approach of you, might have
been somehow misdirected. Please. pardon me
l own my error. If you might have somehow
been used to this type of evil, I positively

.

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LOVE

maintain before you, that I am just a novice. Please. I can now say goodbye to the request that I
had earlier made. I shall alwaysicontinue to be liking you. Distance might have to be no barrier to
our relationship which is just, but, growing. Other
people who are ioterested may g o t o usbject themselves to your conditions, but. 1 shall not.
ACT ONE (SENE 2 )
HUSBAND A N D WIFE
Agnes: My dear husband, how do you find it
useful, to remain without doing anything
quite visible, as to make a better living?
Abel: You might not consider yourself correct, to
ask me this type of question. You may appreciate that since you came to my house, you
had never remained hungry. Everyday, I run
about to see how I can manage up to get
some money for our food. Left with me alone,
I could have been eating in the hotel?, even on I
credit. I had many customers with whom I
had such an arragement as thal, before your
arrival to this house, to bs my wife. It is
only about two months ago that you came
here. I really consider it too early for you to
have already begun to find faults with me.
Agnes: Yes my dear, I quite realize that it is really
too early for me to -have begun to find faults
with you. But I am only talking the truth and
what I consider, will help both of us. When you
came to marry me, you told my parents, that
you were a civil servant on leave. Now, I have
come to find out that there is no truth in the
statement. Consider now, how woefully disappointed, my parents shall be, if they come to find
your statement to them otherwise. But what
shall we eat today?
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Abel: D o not worry. Even though I have not got
a penny in my pocket, yet, I shall not be worried 1 know very well, haw the thing usually
comes. God in heaven. will bring something for
US to eat.
Agnes: Never in my life, had 1 heard of, or seen,
any person who sat down and kept on looking
for food to come down, from the sky. Even if
it might have per chance, been the luck of one
man perhaps according to the scriptures, yet I
do not bdieve that it is what will apply to each
hacd every person.
Abel: Infact. I cannot easily tell. what might have
becn the sole cause of )!our speech this day. T o
me, it appears that love does not mind certain
things that could be regarded as serious mistakes
If I am even a thief you can hide the fxt away
from other people, since any type of shame on
me, will also reflect on you. Let us keep on
loving ourselves more and more. Trouble shouId pive chance to peace and comfort, so that
this our lives can easily be turned into a bright
outlook of hope. When I was an irresponsible
man, I played life verj well and now that I am
responsible, I hope to do everything, carefully.
Agnes: How do you think that you are now responsible?
Abel: You may not like the result, if you venture
to insult me.
Agnes: It simply makes me laugh indeed. i have
never been trained 10 tell lies and I find it late
to begin d training of that type, now. Many of
those people whom you call your friends have
approached me and busily engaged themselves
in trying to force me out of your hands. They
say that you are of a questionable character.

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LOVE

Some of them maintain that you are an ordinary
rambler. Others say that you are an ordinary
deceiver. I must be frank to you. One lady came
t o me and told me with every sincerity, that
I shall not know the day, that you will like to
run away from this house and live in another
town. Then she continued, that I shall have to
been responsible for the payment of the house
rental, If such a thing happens, it simply means
that since I am a helpless woman, there will
every possibility of my going home to my
parents to look for some financial aid from
them. How can such a lover, with these q ~ a l i ties be relied upon. It is understood that 1 am
not the first woman that you had cunningly
brought in. I have also heard that you simply
want t o spoil me and to leave me entirely useless
in life. 0 dear! when love bears another
meaning, from what it normally ought to, then,
the sole motive for which that sacred thing
was made. is defeated. 1 cannot tell you lies,
1 love you, but, I do not love your ways. Ydu
are quite handsome and very presentable. But
it should be known very well, that when character is lost, everything seems to have lostalmg
with it. This is why I will not like to be in alliance, with any person whose character, seems
t o be all that strange. 1 had heard right from
childhood, that any woman who gets married to
a thief, is alsoa thief But you can only know
what that idiom, stands for. I may not have to
talk very much again. All that 1 want, is not
silver or gold but good character from you.
Where you fail me in that, you may not have
t o blame me when I bid good- bye to our love
and farewel! to a heart which 1would then refer
to, as once beloved.
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Abel: Look care! I am getting fed up with this type
of address. I am sure that you will stop to remind me of the past. When first we met, you
agreed very strongly to get married to me. Today, I am simply confused over your present
thoughts. Since you have already termed me
wicked. I might be forced to deal with you in
life manner, so as to agree very well with your
opinion about me. If you could have been a bit
tactful, I could have hidden away some of my
wicked acts and then charged to good. But now,
I must have to expose myself to you, in the true
form You may be disappointed and thus, begin
to great, why you ever attempred to love a man
of my own type. It will be such a lesson to jou,
that throughout your life time, you will continue
to remember it. In the first place, you should
realist: tbe fact that I did not force you to love
me. Your parents were very happy, to consume
my money. They did not say that it came from
a wicked man. After keeping me poor, &gt; o a ,low
come to discredit me. D o not forget lbat your
parents demanded and received one hundred
and fifty pounds from me as a bride price on
you. Look at it a youngman of my own type
without parents. From where else, do you .exp.
ect the money for feeding to come? G o then. to
your parents. get some money from them and I
am eomfident, that it will lead us in maintenance,
for some time. Hal ha! ha! I will teach you a
lesson and tell you in a language which you'can
understand, that you have joked with the wrong
man. Meanwhile, let me only go out and be
back. I will show you how to treat an insultive
fellow.

�HOW

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LOVE

( H e goes out )
Agnes: 0 Love! A big deceiver of people! Thou
hast got me tied up to a man who appears good,
but internally rotten. A very wicked fellow! An
imp of misfortune and an ungrateful scamp. He
is such a type that will like to cail good, bad.
Look at him, telling me how .possible it would
be, for food to come to a person who does not
like to struggle for it. A thing never done in human history. I wonder how some people reason.
H e was talking of s3me hi3 sufferings while attempting'to marry me. Is he the first man to marry a lady? O!No wonder he might have no
doubt forgotten thrt he who wishes to have a
wife, must first of all, be prepared for it Indeed,
it is not joke. What wo'rries my mi~:d much; is
the insult that this wretch.has given to my parents. He says that he will tesch me a lesson.
Ofcourse, that is the normal way of a crook: J
wonder what he means by that. It appears that
this man does not seem to realize that he.is a
fool. I am determined to !eave him. I have
actually made a big mistake by coming to him.
He is perhaps makmg some p!ans to undo me,
but I shall be ready with mhe,
Helen: It is for this reason that 1 have actua!ly
decided to try men. Now, I can easily find out
that you do not appear to'have meantwhat you
said. I do not wish to abandon the taking of
blood, simply ,because I have come to you.
&amp;in, I do not wish any man with whom.1 am
t o be frieodly. to have any other man who is his
own friend or brother. The sisters are also to
go away. When the man is only ready to satisfj,
'his own wish and forget everything

18

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about my commandments, T shall not be prepared to have him. Goodbye then my youngman.
Farewell to our proposed love.
ACT ONE ( SCENE 3 )
ABEL AND HIS LOVER
Abel: Get out of this house!
Margaret:' Was this how we began the love?
It might be anyhow. I will only like you
Abel:
to go away and tbat is all. Please my dear lady,
d o not sta) here, until I come back.
Margaret: I actbally have determined to be your
wife. Truly, I do not wish to abadon you. There
will be no harm, if you only go to cool down
yourself for a while.
Abel: I would only have to go and pray for death.
People must actually d~scredited me for quite
a long time. This will surely be the end of my
sorrows and like my fore-theres who had bravely
resisted any attempts to keep them ashmed, I
shall march on and afterwards, history, and nothing but history, shall have to speak of me. It
is then that people will have to say that I was
once a man who would not like to tolerate the
fooleries of a woman. There are some men who
may like to tolerate such nonsense as this. But
for my part, I consider it nothing short of the
abuse of destiny. God himself who created me
and brought me into this life, will also hear
witness of my actions. Yes, I was forced to marry, when 1 found out tbat many of my own
mates have Cone so. But instead of enjoying
it 1 found it rather boring. He who can get
along w ~ t h
bags of insults can do so. I shall not.
My heart is seriously aching over this; Life
could mean anything to others.
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But for me, it has come to show another thing
quite contrary to expectation. I am not a rich
man. People like Onyeuku are enjoying
themselves and perhaps, if death comes, they
might bother. But I am not like that. Everyday,
I srt down and look at people enjoying. But
I d o not take part.

(ENTER O N Y E U ~ U )
Margaret: ( Weeping ) Welcome Sir.
Onyeuku: Yes my dear. It appears that you have
something worrying your mind.
Margaret: I t is nothing else tban love. I only
misfired. The man I chose a s my' own lover
and husband now wants t o abadon me and
1 d o not know what next to do.
Onyeuku: Have you apoloeised to him?
Margaret: I have actually done that but it appears
that he does want to listen. What next to do,
is just beyond my own imagination.
Onyeuku: Yes, this why 1 always liketo have money.
When a poor man makes love, he does not
enjoy it. If you were to be in my house, you
could not have felt any type of sorrow.
( Enter Uba )
Margaret: I am prepared to gd away, since all
attrmpts t o reconcile have failed.
You are only shedding crocodile tears
Abel :
and that, cannot help you. I am indetd, very
sorry for you.
Uba: Is it all the same story this way too? A lady
coming t o tell me that she would like t o use
my mother's head as a stool while taking her
bath, is just what I cannot understand.
Onyeuku: When did it happen ?

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LOVE

Uba: It is a very recent talk.
Abel: Or else?
b b a : , Then there will be no love.
Abel: I do not quite understand, what is worrying
these ladies.
Well, I have taken my own decision.
( Enter Agnes )
Uba: Oho! Here we are again. You blood drinker.
Abel: She must have been the fellow. no doubt?
Uba: Surely, she is.
Abel: Today is my final day in everything relating
to the insults of women and everything about
their love. (Onyeuku goes away)
Uba: I shall be very pleased to have it so, too.
T a k e it (He
Abel: (Locking the door )
shoots the three and himself too).
ACT ONE (SCENE 4)
Onyeuku: I am a very happy man in life. At the
moment, nothing worries me. As for the money,
1 can say with every assurance, that 1 shall he
allowed to take my seat amidst the wealthy
people. 1eat.anything that I like and my drinks
are costly ones. he money is there and so, I will
not like to associate with anything that is
inferior.
(Enter Ikem, a friend)
How are you poor man?
Ikem: Yes my friend Onyeuku, 1 admit that I am
poor. But as long as I eat well in my house
and maintain my family, I assure you that I am
equally rich. The fact that 1 have not got a
car or erected a skyscraper, does not very
much matter.
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Onyeuku. You ought to buy a car so that i t can
easily be confirmed, that you have the mokley.
For my part, I put on costly dresses and in
that way, draw the attention of the enlire public.
No wonder, when 1 go on foot, eipecially. when
I feel like takmg breeze in the evenings people
state at me, as if they have seen a god, 0 my
dear! it is pleasant to be a big man. Nothing
worries the person and no person has authority
over him.
Ikem: That might be correct. I, however feel that
everybody. whether rich or poor, exists until
death the leveller, comes to give its verdict..
Onyeuku: Death or no death, I am no: in the
least, perturbed. It is only a poor man who
is afraid of death, because he has no money
t o cure himself, when sick. In my own case,
my money can take me to even the most costly
hosp~tal. I can even engage about two or three
medical doctors to take charge of my health.
Thus. sickness will run away acd so. death too,
will be afraid to come near.
Ikem: Infact my friend Onyeuku, I am not a
small boy, as you very well know. I had seen
some wealthy men let low into the usual six
feet of earth, which 1 stronly maintain, can be
said to have been the equaliser of all. I hope
that you will not dispute this. For, it is an
established fact. Really, whenever it is time,
there might be no need resisting, since it will
be entirely meaningless, so to do. Surely a man
of your own experience and age, ought not
doubt the truth in what 1 have told you.

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LOVE

(Enter Nneka, Onyeuku's wife)
Onyeuku. My name suits my position very wek
O! How I like it! If 1 were called a bigman and
in wealth, I had no stand, I could have liked
to commit suicide than to remain and be mocked about by each and every fellojr. D o you
fail to realize the fact, that a man who has no
money is always a friend of everybody, including even a small boy? Ask my wife, I also
purchase costly cloths for inorder that my
prestige will stand upright. She has more gold
than most of her mates and coupled with a
superb maintainance, she thus becomes one
of the happiest women that ever lived. My
dear wife, is it not so?
Nneka. You do not seem to be very much mistaken. But, 1 do not quite think, that eatii~g
well and dressing very flamboyantly can ktep
a person happy all the days of his or her own
life.
Ikem. My most respected lady, you have actually
made a very wise statement.
( Enter Benson, a potter )
Onyeuku. Yes Mr. man, what is your name and
how did you maoage to come ht r&amp;?
Benson: Master, I have come to you, for some
help My wife has just put to bed in maternity
and I need money badly. If and only but if,
you can manage 10 assit me out of this difficult situation, 1 shall be most grateful.
Onyeuku: Ha! Ha! Ha! Perhaps these people
think that it was how we got rich. I do not
borrow money and will not like to lend
:o any person any brass farthing.

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At the moment, I am determined to sue one
man who has lived i n one of my plots for six
months now, but does not care to pay the rental.
Benson: The position might be so sir, Rut, out of
human kindness, try, try sir, to help me,
Onyeuku: 1 will not help you. The earlier you go
away from here, the better. But, how much do
you really want from me?
Benson: Any amount. not less than two pounds,
will be greatly appreciated and I hope to return
that, within a fortnight.
Onyeuku: Two pounds? Big money indeed! Anyway
I[ have not less than ten thousand pounds as
fixed deposit in the bank. In my house here
there is an amount not below the sum of two
hundred pounds in cash. But, sorry! sorry! I
will not give out any money to you.
Benson: On my knees, I beg sir! ( Shedding tears )
Help me Sir!
Onyeuku: I did not weep before 1 became a rich
man. Amuse me more and more. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Look at his lips and wrinkled face. Money is
hard to get.
Benson: If you hzlp me, God will reward you sir.
Onyeuku: I am not ready ti, help you at all.
Benson: Ehl My poor wife and her child. May you
not because of them help me a bit?
Onyeuku: They may even die and that will be better!
Benoon: If that happens, it simply means that more
will be added to my sorrows. There might be
no money to purchase coffins for them.
Onyeuku: Yes, that is exactly what 1 want. You
will then be laughed at, much to my own pleasure. Did I prevent you form being rich?
24

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Infact, where were you, when I gathered my
wealth? Alright, let me come down a bit.
Dance for me.
Benson: ( Dancing ) I hope it will please you Sir
and then you may help me, so that I can go
back to the maternity and see the woman and
her child. For, by now, the woman might have
been feeling hungry.
Onyeuku: 0 no! There is money right enough as
I said before, but I shall not give you. However,
let me just see what I can d o now.
Benson: Yes Sir! I beg, try Sir. Try and help me.
Onyeuku: bring your head.
Renson: (Bows ) At your service, my dear Sir.
( Onyeuku cracks him ).
Thank you Sir!
Onyeuku: Alright! You may now have t o go away.
Renson: What about the help, Sir ?
Onyeuku: I am sorry my dear youngman. Yon
might very well appreciate that I am not a
money-lender. Really. I suffered before getting
whatever you now see me use. I will alse like
everyother person to sweat very well for cash.
G o away! Get away at once!
Benson: After all these sufferings received, should
I still go away without your help?
Onyeuku There is no help at all! ~o!co!away I say!
Benson: Thank you very much. God is alive and
will be the judge.
Onyeuku: Come if what may! My money is there!
Benson: Let it be ( He leaves )
Onyeuku: Ssrvanr! ( Servant enters ) Give me one
bottle brandy. ( The drink is served and he
begins ro take. )
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Nneka: You might not have bten quite rig'it . in
treating the poor man in that way.
Onyeuku: That is not my concern. I must be
hard hearted, since 1am not owing any
person.

-

Ikern:

I have no other statement to make. But
if 1were you, I should not have like that.

Onyeuku: I have obeyed my own conscience and
that is all about it.
(Exeunt)

(ACT ONE SCENE 5)
Benson: This is yet, one ofthe most inhuman type
of treatrnent,erer given to mankind. That I can go to
a wealthy man for some aid and after being subj,cted
to series of humiliations, would s:ill come home, just
as I had left. 0 God! Why keep n e alive it1 the
world to be toyed about, by each and every person
who might have been fortunate to get some cash?
My wife is still waiting for me. Truly, everybody
realises what it is, for a moth:r to be with her child
in a maternity. O! no food m i no money to buy
some! What next, should I do? MY hopes, now seem,
to have been entirely foiled and &gt;haltered to pieces!
No help from any source no help at all! But, God
is there. (He prays) "0 most gracious Father,
who always listens to the cry of His children,
kindly come near and help me now. I confide in
no other person or thing l know and have also
heard of;how far you had !;tlped other people o!
I
let me be favoured 1ikewi.t-. T h ~ s confidently ask,
Amen" Any other thing can happen.

-

�HOW

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LOVE

Onyeuku or no Onyeuku, since1 have prayed
to God, I am happy, For, He never fails.
(Enter Joseph, a friend)
Can this be you Joseph?
Joseph: For many months I had been away to the
spanish territory. lnfact I made a lot of profit over
there. From the ninet) cases tobacco I broght
home, I was able to make a gain of one hundred and ten pounds. This amount of course,
exculdes the profit made on the brandy. On the
whole, it was a very pleasant trip. I had no difficulty with either the police or the customs watereuard officers. Now my friend, where is your
wife Erinma ?
Benson: She is now in the maternity.
What for ?
Joseph: She has recently, given birth to a bouncing
baby boy.
Benson: Congratulations, my friend Benson: O!The
wonders of God, are great! If it were someing to be bought with money, you coulf not
have been able to compete with these wealthy
and greedy men around us. At any rate, since
I shall not be privileged to see her today,
(dipping hands into his pocket and bringing
our some notes) Take this little amount of five
pounds and manage up, until I am chanced to
to come back to you.
Benson: Thank you very much Joseph. Please, do
not fail to turn up on Saturday. For, it is on
tbat day, tbat I shall invite friends and wellwishers to my house and all of us will have to rejoice together, over the merciful work of cod to me.
Joseph: I hope to be in your house, by then. I still
have some revolver and pistol guns, to deliver
to customers.
27

�HOW

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LOVE

So,good-bye till then and pass my greetings, t o
the worthy woman.
finson: I have heard you and I am very grateful,
indeed. (Joseph leaves. It is indeed very gratifying, that the fervent prayers of a man of my own
type, can thus be easily answered. (He sighs) 0
money ! It was because of you, that I went and
vaily suffered every amount of disgrace, toda! . O!
when w~ll troubles of this life, cease ? At any
the
rate, 1 must take h e m . Onyeuku, will not lige
forever.
(Enter Erinma)
0 b dear. Are you back? l was only preparing
t o come for you.
Erinma: T o my surprise, a Taxi driver came u p and
informed me that your friend Joseph, had paid
him, to convey me home ro my husband. I had
t o respond at once and together with my child,
B:ns oncame home. Thanks be to God, that you
are back to this house.
( Exeunt )

ACT TWO ( SCENE ONE )
Onyeuku: (sitting in his parlour, smoking a pipe
and with a cup of wine in hand ). I wonder
when these poor men, will cease from worrying
me. Ha! ha! ha! I created one of them, in the
most contemptuous manner, last time. He was
talking of his wife. Does he not know that I
also have a wife ? Nonsense!
Enter Ude, Debtor )
Yes, thanks be to whatever demon that might
have brought you here today. where is my money? 1 mean the rental, that you owe me? I am
Porry Sir. Infact, I d o not have the money here
and I beg you io allow me some days, to look
for it.

28

�HOW

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LOVE

Onyeuku: Shut up your mouth! I actually have the
right t o slap you just now and cover up every
thing,with my money. D o you agree that you are
my slave right now?
Ude: Yes, my Lord.
Onyeuku: What I what, is my mofiey.
Ude: I have not got it sir. Please consider my plea.
Onyeuku: 1 don't Lazy man1 I cannot consider you.
What I know, is that you must Pay me today
and just now. If nor, you will not step out of
thisroom. I will not mind, beating you !o death.
Ude: 1 beg you Sir.
Onyeuku: Perhaps you not understand what I am
saying. Where is my money?
Ude: It is not here Sir:
Onyeuku Did it run away?
Ude: N o Sir. The fa'ct is that I cannot produce i t
today Sir.
Onyeuku: A Lazy fellow. I wonder why there
should be very many lazy people, these days. I
will teach you a lesson today. I can even kill
and skin you. Afterwards' 1 bury your corpse
or leave it for the vulture and use your skin
in making a drum, which I will use in entertaining myself, when I want t o add more t o my
own comfort. Poor fellow, I am indeed sorry
for you., Be sure, that your family will no longer
enjoy your company He handles a big stick and
Ude escapes). I am sorry that thsi idiot of a
man, has escaped. However,it is not difficult to
get him round. I wish to d o as already planned.
meanwhile, let me sit down and think properly
over how to catch and kill him. If possib!e, I
can even drink his blood. I want to be as hostile
as possible, to any poor man, who comes across
iny way. (He sits.down puffins his pipe.
29

�HOW

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LOVE

The wine is still on the table, when death d:essed up in a black suit, entered and stood
opposite him).
Who are you my man?
Death: I am death. I: do not joke, as you might have
heard.
Onyeuku: It a p p e a r s then, that you might have
made a mistake to enter my house. 1 do not
want you now. But can i help you and is their
anything wrong?
Death: (Looking very grave) I did not make any
mistake: Is vour name not Onyeuku ?
Onyeuku: Sure 1 Onyeuku is my name.
Death: What else? I have proposely come to take
you. Therefore, prepare at onc and follow me.
Onyeuku: ( Sweating 2nd throwing away his pipe)
Might there be not mercy?
(Looking quite subtle).
Drath: (appearing more serious with eyes open). If
need be.
Onyeuku: Please, what should I do, to cease the
situation ?
Death: (In a deep tone). Time is flying. 1 have been
trained, not to joke with my time.
Onyeuku: Although no human being trifles with
you and you are not prepared to waste any time,
yet, it would be something of unparallelled
kindness, ifyou can only, out of goodwill, allow
me give some directives, to the members of my
family. Truly, everybody fears you and I am no
exception. lnfact, I respect you. The truth is
that, you do not appear as wicked, as people
think you are.
Death: (Smilling a bit with one of his eyes, slighly
open). Infact, if it were not that, I am duty
bound, to safeguard my own business, I could
have left you, scotch free.
30

�HOW

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LOVE

But. I cannot help it. As a matter of fact, you
are among the few wise people, who admit that 1
am in some cases, kind.
Onyeuku: (With some smiles). I have found out
that1 cannot escape this. But, still, [
plead that you give me scme days, so that
I can hold some discussions with the
members of my family.
Death: But earlier, I underst'ood that you would
resist me. For that, 1 came with full force,
to meet you face to face, so as to know
who is more powerful than the other.
Onyeuku: (Smiling.) Even in dreamland, I cannot
tell you or any other person, that I am
your equal. I am a weak cre.iture. Infact,
such that cannot stand you in any angle.
Death: Well, I am happy to hear this.
Onyeuku: Furthermore, you know that man, has
enemirs. One of the people who
my
downfall, could come t o you and tell you
anything that will make you angry over
me. I take you as my master and f r i e ~ d .
Dra:h: Though I scarcely go back to my decision,
yet, in view of your kind work about
my person, I have granted you some days
t o have a word with your Fanily..Will you
appreciate that I' am kind enough?
Onyeuku: Drfinitely, youare! I am grateful indeed.
Death: (Smiling and nodding). Remember that I
must come. Perhaps, your people who
might be laughing now, will then be weeping and gnashing their teeth, on thitt terri-

�HOW

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LOVE

ble day. Surely, it is by then, that you will have t o
remember your past performances. Meanwhile. let
me go and take some rest. I have done a lot of
work today. Not less than five hundred people are
t o obey me tomorrow.
Onyeuku: Safe journey Mr Death.
Death: ( With a very low tone ). Thank you very
much, Mr Onyeuku.
(Exit Death)
Onyeuku: ( Pondering ). Thus, man shifts fromthe
life of splendour, to agony. That man w~ll
be
interviewed by death, a monster of that nature,
face to face, still appers t o me, as one of the
mysteries, yet to be solved be experts in anthropology. For, besides them, none other, can.
(Foldmg his arms and with his mouph, wide
open, face looking pale with fear). But, how
will this type of news sound in the ears of the
members of my family? How will the entire
public, react to it? Members of my family,
might take me serious. It is also likely, that
they may feel, that l am telling them lies
or cracking jokes. For, no living man can one
day confirm that he or she, bad never debated
with death. How! How will it be? But was
it in dreamland? No. my eyes were c!ear. The
figure might be back soon. No need wasting
time. For I am no longer, a free man. (Exit)
ACT TWO (SCENE TWO)
Nneka: I wonder why my husband Onyeuku, has
not come to the dining room for food. It is now
fifteen minutes after two o' clock.
Emeka: Dad, rather seems late to luncheon today.
Nduhuisi: I am surprised to see that my brother
Onyeuku eats more food, these days. In the

�HOW

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LOVE

past, he did not attach importnce to afternoon
meal. (Enter Onyeuku, looking sad and disgusted)
Ada: Papa, I wonder why you chose to punish me
today. You very well know, that I cannot eat in
your obsence.
Onyeuku: I am very sorry for that, my little daughter
Ndubuisi: That might not be correct. 1 also thought
so at first But later on, I found out that both the
sellers and the buyers, were all victims of the gloom.
Onyeuku: (Smiling). When a man sees what is by
fat' greater than he can bear there will be no
alternative, than to yield.
Ikem: Yield to what? T o what! I say! No! Not
me forever. ( Emptjing a tumbler of bear).
Nneka Of course, it depends upon the circumstance.
Ikem: (Emptying anolhcr tumhler of bear ). I care
less for m y type of circumstance I damn the
consequence.
Onyeuku: (Standing up). Let us be serious. Infact I
have only some day more to live. I am already
a dead mnn.
Ndubuisi God forbids.
Ikem: I wonder why you try to joke over serious
matters. How will such a dream as this come truet
when you are not sick, even now. that a fun!
Never in histcry, had any persol1 known when
to die.
Ada: O!papa, d o not say so! If you die now, who
will help mum to care for us? (Onyeuku shndding
tears and looking at his - children. )
Emcka I am indeed s~:rprised.I do not know uhat
nex! to do.

�HOW

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LOVE

Nneka My husband actually means his speech.
Ndubuisi Certainly, he is serious.
Ikem: Serious over what? T o die how? My bcs3m
friend to die. How does know.?
Onyeuku It was rewaled to me. ( All of them burst
into tears.
Exeunt
Act 2 ( Scene I )
Entered Death and Four of his Messengers.
Death: (Pinting at one old man). Get hold of
him be has spent very many years on earth.
Old man: Am I the oldest man today?
Death: Shut up your mouth and obey me at once.
( The man dies).
1st Msger: T o where again Sir?
Death: G o to the market and get up to so people.
Second messenger should go to the Ocean and
sink the ship, make sure that many people were
got. Tbird messenger should be in the air
and crash aeroplanes, while the fourth goes
to cause motor accident. I shall go personally
to Onyeuku and get him to my Kingdom.
All: Your orders must be obeyed Sir, They go
while Death makes for Onyeuku's residence.
(Exeunt)
Act 2 (Scene two)
Ooyeuku: Neither sorrow, n o r tears, can disuade
death from executing his evil intentions. It is
now necessary that I must be separated from
you. "Death is an inevitable end of man horn
af a woman, and must come. when it will. All
that I pray is that my memory should remain
indelible into your memories for my part,
it is now finish with existence.
Act 2 (Scene Two)
Onyeuku: Oh, but if I were a bachelor, I could
have happily gone away; knowing that 1 have

�HOW

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LOVE

nothing to think of. Now, the situation is
different. There is no iota or doubt, that this
tragedy, will be a big blow to my family;
friends and relatives. Oh, death! Thou wickcd
monster that will always refuse to be bribed.
I am now at your mercy! Take me to any place
that you might deem fit, for it is 'through you:
that I shall get to my fore-fathers.
Only some hours more to go. Poor, Onyeuku
will no more eat, or drinlc. Ooly some months
more to go, the memeries of Oayeuku, will all
be forgetten. It is sure that I must be taken by
the cold lands, of death. Bravely however, I
shall confrmt it all as others had. Perhaps, it
is time. Oh! the memory of my children who
will be left as orphans pains me greatly. The die
is now case: Terrible! Oh! How painful it is to
part from loved once! This i s question of must.
(Enter Nneka, Ndubuisi, Emeka, Ada) Nithher
tears no sorrows can cease the situation.
Ndubuisi: This talk again?
Onyeuku: You might sesse from bzing a Thomas
when everything is pracrically dzrnonwated
Well Emka it is up to you to comfront your
mother Nneka brust into tears ) Stay well with
your sister too. Although you seem too young
to manage a family, just now yzt the will of fate
and dsting must be obeyed.
Ada: Papa when will you return?

�HOW

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LOVE

Onyeuku: O! tender child, Quite ingnorant of what
is being said! ( Ndubuisi ) folds his arms and
looks at his brother in surprise) My only daughter, when is time, you will meet me there.
(Enter Ikem)
Onyeuku: My house shou!d not be kept in
confusion when the tragic period comes, 1 have
uever been a confusionist.
Ikem: The death will spare wicked men and
easily take the quite ones is something that
greatly baffles my intelligence. O! Onyeuku,
Is this the way in which we are to part?
Death! come too! come I say and take me
away. What next are you leaving me for.
Onyeuku: If were something that can be prevented
by force or money, I would have tried my best.
But as it is, I stand confused now as to what
else to do than to obey the call. Since all of
are preseni, and are quite aware of the entire
catastrophe, I shall not regard myself as some
body who might have dsed intestate., I now
declare in the presence of living witness that I
bequeath my estate to my son Emeka, there is
no atom of doubt that everything is now, settled. Things may be however what they seem.
I shall be the last man to be all that worried,
since death is the lot of all human beings,
( Exeunt )
Act Three
Scene One
Benson: Ladies and gentlemen, I have assembled
all of you to this place, so ?hat you can come
along and share the joy of the day, with me.
Each and every one of you can easily tell, what
it is, to heve a wile, who might have safely

�HOW

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PLA

LOVE

given birth to a child infact, it is for that
purpose, I have determined not to be alone,
but to be in merriment, with you. There might
be money or not. But, it will be much to my
own pleasure to afford the little presents that I
have. Life may be hard or soft. But, I am solely
determined, to conquer, all the difficulties, in
my way t o success. (They cheer him ) As
a matter of fact, I could have been very
much let down. But as a resuit of true friendship,
I had nothing t o lose.
Jasper: We have actually heard a great deal cf your
sayings. Even though that be the case, I am opined that things should go in the right form.
However, 1 d o not blame you at all. At ?he
same time. it will be unfair of me, to pounce
upon your opponent, merely for the sake of
satisfylog your own very desire. At any rate. I
am pleased over the way, in which things are
going, at the moment. Your entertainments, I
shall have to take. Thank you very much.
Joseph. It is true, that I tend t o be one of the
most significant figures here, when talking in
terms of those, who are somehow.
related to Benson. It cannot be disputed, that
both of us are quite friendly. Truly, about
the most intimate of friends, that might have
ever existed. Some people are actually well to do. There are others too, who are not all
that. Whatever might have been the case, it wi!l
not be advisable, for one section. parrlcularly
the wealthy side, to despise the poor. For every
body is levelled. by six feet of earth, which ought
to be for all.

-

�HOW

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LOVE

Benson: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am sayinp
without any type of prejudice, that some of
these people, who think that money can d o
everything for them, might be a bit mistaken. I
have no doubt, that you might have heard of
or even known, one Onyeuku, 1 actully approached him, when 1 was in a type of financial difficulty. Truly, he subjugated me to series o f ,
tortures and in the end, made a ridicule, of it
all. I am not determined to blame him. But
then, he ought to have been in sympathy, with
my own situation and then, reconsider my stand,
in the .whole affair. At any rate, I am not in the
least, perturbed.
Jasper: Let the ugly past be forgotten. I have no
doubt that the Almighty God, will d o his wish.
Joseph: That also, is my own plea. All t h a t ~ I
ask,
is for God's own protection, over this woman
( Exeunt )
and her child forever.

ACT THREE ( SCENE TWO )
Death: Mr. Onyeuku, I have now come!
~ n y e u k u : I have actually found out that I cannot
resist. Take me therefore, to anywhere, that you
will.
Nneka: Master! I understand that your name is
Death. Will you please not mind pardoning my
husband?
Death: In Fairness of it my dear lady, business is
to
business. I am sure, that you will not l ~ k e
joke over your business. Thus, tbisis mine infact,
I cannot help it a t all. Your husband must be
taken away. Hiscut is now full. When it is your
own time too, you will undoubtedly have to
come along. No amount of plea, will disuade

�HOW

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LOVE

me from my own determination. As a matter of
fact, 1 helped him very much. In reality, I. d o
not inform people when I wish. t o visit them.
But Oiyeuku is the man that I like very much
and it will be very unfair t o snatch him away
from his family, without notice, hence I gave
him a hint to prepare.
Ndubuisi: Does it then go to mean that you can take
any person whenever you choose to d o so ?
Death: Well Mr. Man,the whole thing is that I have
m y time table with m, whicb acts like a typeof
:
'schedule. Every body's name, is therein listed.
You might be the next person t o come. But,
since I have not come to you, it i s sure that you
might only have t o brag. But my arrival is sure.
Truly, by letting him know in time. .Actually
some. ptople might spoil me, by branding me
bad. I am not so. Please hold on, for your own
turn.
Ikem: That is nonsense !
Death: You may choose it so t o be. But I a m not
worried. The whole thing is thatonyeuku must
I repeat must, come along with me. Your own
time is coming, You may not even have the
mouth t o say this when it is time. Onyeuku !
Onyzuku ! Come along !Come along I a t once
and let us go: Forge: everythig about your property, wife and children.
Emeks: Since it appears that you d o not seem t o
have any mercy, I d o not know, what next, to do.

�HOW

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LOVE

Death: I pity all of you. In fact, I do not come
out for bad. Please, bear any type of inconvenience, like that. I must have to vist teach and
every person. It anly depends upon the time.
1 wish you good-luck in all your own undertakings.
Nneka: I had thought that even that most wicked
people, have some considerations at times.
Death: Madam, I cannot do otherwise. I am sure
that 1 have actually spoken at length. Let it be,
that whatever name you may call me right now,
I shall be prepared to answer. But, there is one
thing. I cannot Iqve Mr. Onyeuku. He is to
get along with me.
Ikem: It simply appears that you are adamant to
all the please of all of us?
Death: Positive! I maintain! Take yourself to be
i n m y own position surely, you will do likewise.
Nneka: Afterwards, the whole thing, has come to
an end. Onyeuku is gone, much to the joy of
his enemies.
Benson: I had thought that big men do not die.
The thing is that it will not be advisable, for a
big man to despise a poor man and feel that he
is the all in all. Fortune meets people mistakenly.
Ude: The man who promised to skin me, is now
gone. But however, he did me a world of good.
For, he pardoned me, my deabt.
Ikem, All said and done, the thing has come to
an end. At any rate, no person can tell, when
it is his or her own turn, to kick the bucket.

�HOW

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LOVE

H e who does good, it is for him and he y h o
does bad, it is also for him.
Ude: Mr. Death, is there no consideration for this
man?
Death: I am very sorry indeed. I have actually
wasted a lot of my own time. If I could have
considered him, you might have been late t o
meet me.
Benson: But remember, that he is a big man, whose
death, might n3t be appriciated by many people.
D z a ~ h : That is actually what I want it all to be,
Ikem: But do you think that you are very powerful?
Death, That might be well answered, when I come
to you.
Ikem: Shut up your mouth! When are you coming.
Why not now, idiot?
Death: No more time to waste. ( H e strikes Onyeuku dead and disappears at once. )
Onyeuku- ( A m ~ d stears) It now has become quite
t
apparent, that I must have to abandon all my
proposals and family and get along with my
sister - death.
( Enter Ude )
Ifact. I am going to a strnage land; I d o not
know any person there. It might therefore, be
difficult for me to make friends. However. Ude,
you have now come here and I am sure, that i t
is for the settlement of the debt. Take it. 1 hate
now granted you a pardon.Please, pray for my
own soul.
( Enter Benson )
1 also apologise to all those, that I might have
wronged, in one way, or the other. Please, pardon me and only look after my family. By the
grace of God, we shall meet again.

�HOW

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LOVE

ACT THREE ( SCENE 3 ).
Death: (Sitting down comfortably and with his legs
crossed ) What a very busy day! Infact, I must
have to congratulate myself, for all my activities,
within the month.
( Enter Onyeuku, conducted by one of death's
Officers )
Ha! Ha! Ha! There is no doubt that this is Mr.
Onyeuku, the man who knew what is means, to
have my orders, disobeyed. Surely, this is my
own palace. You might have seen for yourself,
a bit of what goes on here. How do you like
the place?
Onyeuku: .4lthough I am quite a new man to this
kingdom, yet, I shall not hesitate to let YOU
know, that as far as I am concerned, there 1s
nothing very worthy of a major criticism. Men
and women are lively and the place looks quite
gay and disciplined
Death: I am indeed happy, to hear you say so.
This is a place, where people are free from worries of all types. There is no question of sweating
very much for daily bread and running very
fast, in pursuit of money. Here, communism
is practised to the very last meaning of the
word. This is one of the reasons why I pity men
whenever their families cry in sorrow of my
having them snatched away. But i t will be interesting to note, that those who come here, scarcely wish to get out.
Officer: Pardon please your worship, May I know
what type ofjob to which this new member
should be assigned?
Death: Of course, that is very much in line, with
I
the system here E! M ( Scratching his head )
H e is to clean my shoes everyday. Hey l Mr.

�HOW

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LOVE

Onyeuku, do you know how to clean shoes properly?
Onyeuku: I shall have to rehearse that once mcre.
For while in the
world. Ican assure you, that I had servants who
did various types of jobs for me including even
this that 1 am now to do for somebody else. In
reality, it has taken not less then ten years, since
I did that last.
Death: Ha! Ha! Ha! That is what you people, d o
over there. Any of you ones idering himself
wealthy, would at once grow lazy. See now, you
have come to a place, where there is no form of
discrimination. If the smallest person, receives
twelve strokes of rhe cane, you wdl likewise be
treated. ( Handling a cup of beer, while Onyeuku looks at him eagerly ) When in the other
world, you enjay yourself very much. But here,
there is no time for that. Perhaps you are interested i n taking a cup of wine as I am now doing.
,
Is that correct?
Onyeuku: Most certainly, it is.
Death: But it is a pity. No person who comes to this
kingdom dominated by me, ever drinks. He will
only look at me, enjoying myself to the full and
will not participate.
Onyeuku: Kindly allow me even a sip of the cup.
Death: I am sorry my man. That, will be a
violation of our principles here. However, I am
getting ready for a convention and I hope that
you wlll very soon adapt yourself, to the environment. We are good. We are kind and we are
the real peace loving citizens. At the same time,
I must not fail to let you know that, anything
wrongly done here, is seriously accounted for,
by -the doer.
43

�HOW

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LOVE

I may or may not know. There are sufficient
and able lieutenants of mine, who can deal
with various issues. So, in your own interest,
I reveal this, since I am only in the position to
give commands, which must be executed, without acy disobedience. (He leaves for the
convention).
Officer: Thenext phase of it all, is to appzar before
a iurv.
0nyedcu; What for?
Officer: Here, it is always the policy of "NO
ANSWERS T O QUESTIONS." Take note
of this.
(Enter the Jury)
Prosecutor: Where is Onyeuku?
Onyeuku: I am here. your lordship.
Prosecutor: You are commaded to stand properly,
before his lordship and confess all that you did
on earth. Remember that you will be cross
examined.
Onyeuku: When I was on earth, I did certain
things in order that I might become weahby.
The first was to sacrifice my mother to the God
of wealth. The second, was to cheat and oppress poor men and widows. That was not all.
I bought one lorry, that would always convey
robbers, from one place to the other for plunder. At the end of operations, I would have
to share the booty, with them, But people did
not suspect that I was transacting a business of
that nature. For so it is, that when people see
a man who drives in a car, they feel that he
is above dishonesty.

�TO

HOW

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LOVE

Cnyeuku: That is all I can remember, your lordship
Associate Judge: Why then d o you bring this man
here? His record does not seem as blcck as
thought. It ought to b s noted , that we a r e
to give people fair trial, s o as to be 'released
from the pangs of conscience.
Prosecutor: May your lordship listen to prosecution
witnesses?
Associate Judge: Where are thev? Callthem UD
at once. There are many people to be tired
and if you have not prepared your case will,
this man, can be discharged and acquitted
a t once, for want of evidence.
Prosecutor: Selinah!
(Enter Selinah and she goes direct to the
witness box ) D o you know this =an who
stands here as a n accused?
Selinah: Yes, your lordship.
Prosecutor: For good o r for bad? Explain to
the court.
Selinah: The man standing as an accused., is
known as Onyeuku. He was my first husband
and I was the first woman, that he married.
Prosecutor: Why did both of you separate.
Selinah: I t was one night, when he conducted his
lady friend inlo my room and introduced her
to me. But in actual fact, Goth of us were
legitimately married in the court and afterwards,
went to a priest and received some blessing.
I cou!d not therefore, look to another and Ge
too, was bound by law, to be in the same s a t e
with me. After some hours, the lady left and
of course, that wzs not wi:hout hearing a noisy
quarrel, going on between my husband and
me. I. clearly pointcd it out to Onyeuku,
that I would expose.
-

-

-

�HOW

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LOVE

the matter and have him disgraced. At once,
he got infuriated and with a bicycle chain
around my neck, he strangled me to death. He
dug a grave that every night and let low my
corpse.
Chief Judge: Onyeuku, have you any questions t o
ask her?
Onyeuku: None your lordship Her evidence is
quite correct.
Chief Judge: 1 am sure, that apart from this, there
is no other hidden deed of his ?
Prosecutor: Yes, your lordship.
Chief Judge One thing that men and women seem
t o forget, is that all their deeds arc always recorded by some unseen hands. I suspect that they
simply feel that they can do anyth~ngand run
away from it, provided they are not seen by
people. One of the offences we regard grave
here, is tbat of killing somebody. For, by so
doing, out kingdom is overpopulated and souls
are sent to us, at odd time, Well, without wasting time, the punishnent, should be inflicted.
( An officer administers twelve strokes of the
cane on the buttocks of Onyeuku. ) So far, so
good for the day. We should close up. Until we
are needed again.
(Exeunt )
All: As the court pleases.

ACT THREE (SCENE 4 )
Clerk: During the last convention, Life was the
chairman. This time, in accordance with the
stipulated constituion Death is to occupy the
chair. ( Death gets up and takes the seat, to the
applause of his supporters. )

�HOW TO

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LOVE

Dcath: Tam pleased to have been appointed, to
direct the meeting. I assure all of ycu, that it
is my intention, to try my best, in seeing that
ever) thlng, is will carried out. There are no new
member and so, it is believed that each and
e./ery person here, knows exactly when to say
something and what t3 say.
I t is usual, that an account of stewardship by
each and every officer, is the first item on the
agenda.
Accident: During t5e last convention, I was ordered to bring nine hundred and nighty eight
persons, into our kindom. Within the first six
months, I was able to get sixty five people,
through road accidents, fifty. Two, by air and
after sinking a launch which made one hundred
and twenty people on board, perish, I had as
my to:al ,two hundred and thirty seven soul,
For the next six months, the statistics, stood
a s follows. lorry crashes -- two hundred people
dead. Aeroplane disaster one hundred and fifty
people and one train accident in which o r e
hundred and seventy four souls, were f o ~di
missing. Thus, on the whole, I was able to can;eplete the figureof nine hundred a n j nlnety c @ r

-

Death:

You did a very good work indeed.

. Life: May I know the exacr number of people,
that we agreed upon, to be taken away from me
last year?
Clerk: On the whole, it was five thousand.

�HOW

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Life: But my own record shows that five thousand
and fifty persons, were taken away. What might
have brought about the surplus.
Death: I feel that it would be more convenient to
go gradually. After !istening to the activities of
the officers, then, we can easily know, where we
went wrong.
War: I was ordered to combine' with Trouble,
Hunger and Suicide. to get the balance of four
thousand and two people. One inter-tribal war,
gave us three thousand people. Hunger then,
rushed out and brought more one thousand and
upon finding out that two more were needed.
Suicide, stepped in and got them. Thus, we
completed the number. But 1 still have got a
remark to make. Peace. has found much pleasure
in challenging me, whenever I am on duty. In
some cases, he even overpower me, since he
knows our secrets. I am hereby appealing to all
officers, for co-operation in the execution of
our respective duties.
Peace: Look care Mr. Wat! I actually challenged
you as you said. I also, shall continue to do so,
until you send back or account properly. for
the fifty people, taken away from our own kingdom. If you d o not, then you should bear in
mind, that I shall always resist your attempts to
take away people from me. If possible Mr. War,
1 would not mind having theissue out with you,
personally.
War: I suspect that you are not in your correct
senses. Infact, you are talking arrant nonsense.
It is just like a speech. made by a little boy.
Who are you?

�HOW

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Peace: Damned fool of your own type! A person
who can only be out for destruction. D o you
at times sit down and think a little bit of what
people talk about you! Bloody scamp!
War: I find it a waste of time, to exchange words
with your corward. People on earth, might talk
anything about me. Infact, I do not care. That
is how, those in my own kingdom are also
talking bad of you too.
Love: Well Mr. War, please cool down yourself.
Mr. Peace, should also d o the same. If tempers
begin lo rise like this, the meeting might have
to end in a fiasco. ( War and Peace, shut up
their mouths ).
Birth: There might not be much need for my own
speech. As commanded, I transfered five thousand people safely, from Mr. Death's Kingdom,
to Mr. Life.
Death! From where then, comes the difference ?
Did any officer take more than he was ordered?
(Silence for a while.
( Every officer, re.cheking his list )

Trouble: I now remember one thing.
Life: What can it be ?
Trouble: There are some, that keep on knocking
at the gate a t odd hours when asked how they
were brought, they cannot explain. They have
no tickets and so, and keep on roaming from
one end to the other.

�HOW

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LOVE

Death:I have now come t o know, the cause of that.
There are some, who fall c n their fellow people,
out of anger and kill them right away. Since it
might not have been, the time we expected such
a victim, the soul keeps on walking to and for
Thus, such will neither be for lrfe, nor for me.
Even in my kingdom, not less than forty souls
have appeared and given evidence against their
murderers. Truly, we d o not encourage murder
and my chief judge, is always ready to apply
disciplinary measures, whenever such is noticed.
In fairness of it all Mr. Life, you will then
appreicate, that I have not robbed you. It is
only a mistake on the part of tbe people your in own
kingdom Right from time, we had worked
co operatively and it is my most ardent wish
thatsuch parity should always be maintained.
Life: Thank you very much Mr Death, for your
statement, which has now thrown light, into the
whole issue. It can now be seen, that none of
us is wrong and so. tempers should no longer
rise. Let us forget the past-indeed, the exchange
of words, which took place between one of
your lieutenants and mine. Really, they are not
small boys and they ought not be reminded,
to apologise, without hesitatio one t o the other.
War. Well Mr. Peace, I am very sorry for what
had earlier taken place. Please pardon me, for
any bad statement, that I might have made.
Peace. Goodbye to skirmish. Let us re dedicate
ourselves to our duties. Mr. War, J am sorry
for causing you an inconvenience. (Both of
them shake hands and smile,)

-

�HOW

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Death: I have very well come to realise that everybody is alive to his job. P'else. let us get along
like this and hope to ahieve a great future.
Exeunt

ACT FOUR ( SCENE 1 )
Ikem: Well, my friend Onjeuku is dead.
Nneka: That is, as clear as crystal. I cannot help
it. I am only pleased, that you, his personal frlend, were here during the most part of the incident. You now can see, that I have automatic
ally become a widow, at this ycung age, sequal
ofcourse, to no direct fault of mine. I am just
like a sheep, without a shepherd. Infzct, just like
a ship without a pilot. Whither I head to, is not
easy for me to tell. Emeka, my only son is still
young. Indeed, too young, to manage a family.
Ndubuisi, my husband's bcother, is very greedy
and jealous. Onyeuku's dcath: has come to dislocate the entire frame-work, of the family. The
days of Cowfort, seem to have vanished. My
former greatness, is now, something to be told
as a tale to children, during moonlight.
ikem: You may no doubt realise, that I am still a
bachelor.
Nneka: That, I very well know. But in what way,
d o you think that it will help, solve the problem
that I now face?
Ikem: My l a t ~friend's wife Nntka. Please note,
men are one at all times and every-where. What
might differ, is the position, as far as fortune is
concerned. However, please be satisfied with
the fact that no man or woman, was born together with a bag of gold.

51

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I concede, that the material thing is life. He who
has it, will be capable of doing anything of his,
own wish, provided there is the chance
I am fully confident, that, hope combined with
a burning ambition, will offer such challenge t o
misfortune, that neither the devil, can stand.
What seems'to matter more in life, is peace and
not pieces. With this family, I had been
infimate. That is entirely, beyond all reasonable
doubts. It is as clear as dayliqht. Again,
you can easily confirm, that I had not on
any occasion, misconducted myself, either to
the annoyance of your own self, or my
late friend Onyeuku. Thus, with implicit
confidence, 1 maintain, that you can be proud
of me. By this time ofcourse, you can also tell
about my character. It will cause me a lot
of tears, to see my friend's wife languish in agony,
f
because of the inevitable lcss o the pillar
of the family. If and only but if. you can
agree, as 1 feel that you might like to consider, I would not mind drawing nearer you.
it is in this way I presume, what might have
been deemed lost, can be regained, Further,
Nneka. it would be ungrateful of me, to refuse
to let you know, that you were the main cause
fo my friendship, with your husband. Earlier,
I had been contemplating upon having a secret
deal with you, during Onyeuku's life time. But,
just as if plans had worked exactly in accordance with my hopes, he

�HOW

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LOVE

kicked the bucket, ofcourse, not at all, to my
cwn joy. At arly rate, it is indeed, something
that we cannot help. Let us therefore, say goodbye to the past and face nothing but the present.
Yaur graceful manners, together with your
personal charm, often compel me run crazy, anyday,
that I kil to catch a glimpse of this face, which is
as bright as the morning sun. Your shape alone, is
not to be rivalled, by any other. Truly, I feel that
it will be very unnecessary of me, to say all that you
might have heard me say. For, you are also a living witness to my behaviour towards you. If 1 am
talking a lie, please, without any reservalion, prove
me! Prove me at once 1 say-much to my own disgrace !
Nneka; You are not wrong in any from.
Ikem:

Wellthen, what next?Shall we have to wait
for Onyeuku to rise form the dead and instruct us so to do, before wc become active?
Surely, if the dead see, he will be very
grateful for this approach of mine.
Nneka: How then will my consent, ring in the ears
of people, particularly, those who might
have hated my husband, when be was alive?
Ikem:

Leave that for me. I shall be prepared to
face the scandal My long association with
Onyeuku, actually tutored me a great deal.
Today, 1 can surmount an insurrection,
in all its ramifications. The personaiity of
Onyeuku, has been gently transfered to me.
It is by his own spiritual guidance, that I
move In the dream, he tells me many things

�HOW

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LOVE

which 1 shall not be prepred to reveal to
even my own mother. Now Nneka, let us
bes eriaus.

I am not acting on my own directives. Only
promise me your love and also, have that effected,
at once. Agree that I have become your own sincere
husband and I shall take you as my own beloved
wife. (Looking at her, straight in the eyes, smiling
and holding her arm)
Nneka: It is not difficult to agree that I am your
wile. Infact, If f had not loved you enough,
you could have proved that too. But what binders
our getting closely tied up together, is just one thing
and that is how will my children or the entire family
reach to this new atreement?
Emeka is there. At the moment, he is regarded
as a small boy. But in reality, he is not all that. He
can easdy know what is wrong. Again, Ndubuisi is
a full ffetched man. I t is possible that he might
form an opinion, which can be detrimental to the
tranquility of both of us. However, in doing that,
he ought to be supported by even, public opinion.
When people are hastily after something, they d o
not seem to mdke out some chance to think over
certain delicate issues, they might be involved. See
now, it can safely be said, that in order to achieve
our ends, both of us, had to conspire and kill
Onyeuku. We cannot escape the allegation. We
shall therefore, be subjected to scandal, contempt
and ridicule. Witb what face, can I then stand

-

�HOW

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LOVE

amidst my fellow women and have a say ? there,
will be many opponets and of course, the end
might have to mean much, if not tragic. In truth,
In truth, I do not disagree to your request. For,
it is really quitedifficult, for a women to remain
for years, without a man. I know for certain,
that death is a national catastrophe, from which
no person can escape. Tnat is very sure. But
at the same time, you ought to realise, what
I am particularly afier. Towards this, I would
like you, to give the matcer, a second thought.
(Enter Ada)
Ikem: If men were only listening to what people say,
things could have not been executed in the
normal form. (Ada running into ikem's laps
and crying, Papa! Papa!) There you are.!
Everything now seems to have been made qui'te
manifest to you. Let them say anything they
like. Forget that and let us execute the proposal
and thus? prevent further distress. I assure you,
that it w~il in any form, strain relations.
not
Nneka: I need not to say more. (They kiss)
Ikem: Am 1 now your husband?
Nneka: Yes I am your wife.
Ikem: Truely, together, shall we enjoy the beauty,
and prestige ofthis house, by the grace
and glory of God.
Exeunt

(ACT FOUR ( SCENE 4)
As one of the elders of this town, I have actueIly found it necessary to summon all the citizens
together, so that we can decide upon what steps
to take, in finding a person, to take the place
of Onyeuku.
55

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All of you, are fully aware of the fact, that
Onyeuku, when al~ve,was our chief. Today, things
seem to be going very wrong, since there IS no
ruler. It should be made clear, that if we continue
like this it then simply means, that we are heading
towards a di5aster Fellow old men, youths and
women, let us all join hands and make our town,
respectable and dignifying.
However let it be clearly understood, that I am
not longing for the post, since it is something that
can be done by means birthright.
Thank you Sir. On behalf of the youncg men of
this town, I stand up here to move that, the question
of having a chief, should be by election. Infact, I d o
not support dictatorship. Our former chief I am
sorry to say, was very much hard-hearted. He had
no regard for the poor people. In truth, he felt that
any man favoured by fortune should torture the less
fortunate. I d o not belleve. that this ought to happen
in a free society, where democracy, is daily harped
on. For my part, I do not even pray, to have a ruler.
At the same time, I will be interested t o know, who
is to be tipped for the position. In my own eyes at
the moment, no person seems fit.
Joseph: 1 may not find it easy, to agree with you. I
have not got much to say. Give the right thing,
to the r:ght man and that is good.
Kingmaker: Even while in the dream, I was instructed to allow Emeka his right.
All: Yea! Right choice ! Grown him !
Kingmaker: Now I consider the opposers as very
unfortunate indeed Thus, let it be know this day,
that Emeka, the son of late chief Onyeuku, has taken
over nls fathers stool.
Em-kn: lam grat efui. Inspite of my lender age, J
promise to do my best,. with your full-coperation,
of course.
56

��How Tshombe and Mubotu regrettG
the death -of Lumumba

-

14.

HOW get a lady irr love.
fo

..

.

Olritrhr - Nigeria.

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                <text>How to play love</text>
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                <text>Stephen, Felix N.</text>
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                <text>Onitsha, Nigeria : Njoku &amp; Sons</text>
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                <text>ca. 1962?</text>
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                <text>This quirky yet refreshing play by Felix Stephen (a.k.a. Nathan Njoku) does not spell out a clear moral or seek to be prescriptive, unlike many of the Onitsha plays. In addition, the misogyny is downplayed. In many ways the play's title is not a clear representation of its message, since death trumps love (and money) here. A somewhat disjointed story, How to Play Love lacks the development of other plays written under the name of Nathan Njoku that appear here in the Onitsha Market Literature Collection. Each act of these four-act plays could stand on its own, and none of the plots or characters have much impact on the other acts.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;The play begins with the search by Uba (the main character of the first act)for a prospective lover. He tells the audience that he will "play love and will, [sic] not care what people may say," (pg. 5). However, he appears somewhat inept at the game. He approaches the first two candidates through letters because he was too tongue-tied to seek them out in person. He declares that since love is a magnet, there is "no need of rejecting me," (pg. 5). Neither letter nor approach receives a desired response. Uba then decides to try to be more direct.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;This is how he meets a vampire, Helen Nwamma, who would happily take him as a lover, albeit with a few conditions. Uba finds some of these conditions distasteful. He states "my approach of you, might have been somehow misdirected . . . Please, I can now say goodbye to the request that I had earlier made. I shall always continue to be liking you," (pg. 13-14). Uba discovers that he does care what other people may think, and he realizes that not all beautiful women are good partners.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;The second half of this act brings in Onyeuka (the rich man), Abel (a friend of Uba's), Agnes (Abel's wife), and Margaret (Abel's lover). Abel and Agnes have recently married and are having difficulties. Abel flees to Margaret, and he discovers that Margaret also wants to get married. Abel tells both women that he is not a man to be trifled with. He runs into Uba, who tells him of his fearful encounter with Helen. All four end up locked in a room with a gun.Uba mistakes Agnes for Helen. Helen, the vampire, serves as a warning against powerful, demanding and beautiful women. This mistake is fateful and reveals some of the underlying misogynistic logic of the play. Agnes, like Helen, is unreasonably demanding and bloodsucking. One can only assume that this mistake costs Uba his life, as Abel ushers them all into the room and murders Uba,Margaret and Agnes before committing suicide.&lt;br /&gt;&lt;br /&gt;The second act begins with a rich man, Onyeuku, declaring that rich men are immune to death. Thus begins the other main story line--a declaration that the power of money and the privilege of wealth have limits, for Death reigns supreme. This message continues for the remainder of the play, and each of the following acts show how Onyeuku is punished for his rich life. The final insult occurs as his loving wife happily marries his best friend.</text>
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